


The Devil and the General Blog

by elucidate_this



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:14:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elucidate_this/pseuds/elucidate_this
Summary: The only exes David thinks fondly of are in town. Patrick is jealous.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 2
Kudos: 87
Collections: Fandom Trumps Hate 2020





	The Devil and the General Blog

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tommygirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommygirl/gifts).



> For Tommygirl as part of Fandom Trumps Hate 2020. Thank you for donating to such a great cause, I hope you enjoy the fic!
> 
> Millions of thanks to D who read and gave feedback even though he isn't in fandom.

David really only had one good ex. Or…one good pair of exes? Patrick really wasn’t sure what the appropriate way to refer to the ex members of his boyfriend’s one and only throuple, the one ex (two exes?) toward whom his boyfriend had ever expressed more than lukewarm feelings. David had tons of bad exes and then there was this one couple that he actually remembered fondly. And now they were here and they were hugging David and he was letting them and Patrick felt a small curl of unease twist in his stomach.

Their names were Rhett and Aubrey and they were the team behind “The General Blog” a blog about adorable general stores in rural Canada and the US. He had never heard of them but apparently David had been following the blog since they opened Rose Apothecary.

“Wait, you guys run ‘The General Blog’? I love that blog.”

“Wait,” Aubrey said laughing, “You run Rose Apothecary?”

“We run.” Patrick interjected a little too intensely.

“Right,” Rhett said, “We heard about you guys, the miraculous gay businessmen who are revitalizing the region.”

David glowed.

“But we didn’t know it was you, David,” said Aubrey, “If we had known we would have been here much sooner.”

Patrick kind of wished they could be here later. Or never? Never would be great. He wasn’t sure why but there was something about them that made him feel very uncomfortable.  
\----  
Two days before their arrival Patrick had indulged Twyla’s tarot reading practice.

“I want to stop predicting drownings, so I’m taking a class online,” she said grinning. “I’ll give you a super quick one card reading for free!”

“I don’t really believe in this stuff Twyla.”

“Just try it. It’s free! It will help me practice!”

Patrick sighed but sat down across the table from her and watched as she shuffled the deck.

She finished shuffling and put a card down between them. It was very clearly labeled the devil.

Patrick laughed and Twyla made a noise of distress.

“Well, this would tend to indicate addiction, to a substance or to a personality. Like is there anyone in your life whose personality you are addicted to? Not in a healthy, I love my fiancé way though, in like, an unhealthy way?”

“Nope, sorry Twyla, I think this card missed the mark.”

“I can do clarifying cards.”

Patrick stood up. “No thanks. This has been interesting, good luck with your studies.”

As he was leaving she was flipping two cards, one was called the tower and looked very very bad and one was the high priestess. Patrick shook his head and walked out of the cafe.  
\----  
When he and David got back to his apartment after meeting Rhett and Aubrey, Patrick flopped down on the couch and David gave him a gleeful look.

“You were totally jealous back there.”

“No, I really wasn’t”

“You were! I can read you like this month’s issue of Vogue.”

“What?”

“Your face, it was subtle, but it was totally jealous.”

Patrick sputtered and David crossed the room to curl up next to Patrick. 

“Don’t worry honey, I’m all yours.”

Later that night, after David fell asleep Patrick found himself thinking about the reading from a few days before and what those “clarifying cards” had meant. He ended up looking them up online.

And then it got kind of hard to breathe. The Tower did not seem good. Giant shakeup, big loss. And then the high priestess seemed to be saying he should follow his intuition. What if his intuition meant he didn’t want David to see Rhett and Aubrey again? David would think he was being ridiculous and would probably see them anyway.

It was a long time before Patrick slept.  
\----  
The next morning Patrick rose before David and started his morning routine. All he could think about through all of the teeth brushing, and the affirmations, and making enough omelette for David to have some when he woke up, was the first time David told him about the throuple.

After things had settled after the disaster barbecue and the ensuing break David and Patrick had sat down with a bottle of Jameson to talk exes. Patrick thought David’s exes were all faintly horrifying and he told him so. 

“They weren’t all appalling.”

“Which one of those people you just described was less than appalling?”

“Well there was Rhett and Aubrey.”

Patrick must have made a face because David laughed “I told you about the guy who liked to kiss his machete before we fucked and you barely winced and somehow me mentioning a couple gets that face?”

“No! I mean, first of all, barely wincing is not how I would describe my reaction to that guy. But it’s not…it’s just…I know you turned down Stevie and Jake so I kind of assumed you liked to be the sole focus of a partner’s affection.”

“Well, I do like that. But it was nice with Aubrey and Rhett. They were interesting. They were hot. The sex was usually pretty good. They weren’t mean.”

“But it wasn’t…confusing?”

“A little. Probably if they hadn’t moved to Germany two months in we would have lasted awhile.”

Patrick’s face fell. “So, if they hadn’t left…”

“Patrick. They weren’t you. It was never going to be a long term thing, but maybe a couple more months.” David shrugged. 

Patrick frowned.

“Ugh. Forgive me for wanting to hold onto the one good relationship memory in my life before I met you.”

Patrick kissed him and the conversation ended. 

Now Rhett and Aubrey were here. Back in the states, apparently running the most hipster blog in the damn universe (The General Blog, seriously?). David loved their blog and was clearly pleased to see them and they seemed overjoyed to see David.

And Patrick had a business seminar today which means that David and Aubrey and Rhett (who the heck names their kid Rhett?) would have lots of time without Patrick to catch up.  
\----  
The business seminar was long but kind of interesting. It probably would have been more interesting if he hadn’t lost focus every few minutes imagining ways that Rhett and Aubrey could proposition David and the ways where it might actually work.

He was cranky at the end, and stiff from a long day in an uncomfortable chair but instead of going straight home to lie down and watch something mindless he decided to check in at the store.

And he found David in Rhett’s arms with Aubrey standing nearby clapping and humming.

He stood in the doorway stomach twisting for a few minutes. Once he was a little bit more calm he realized that Rhett was teaching David some sort of dance which made Patrick’s temples pulse with a jealous headache. The way that Rhett’s hand was a hair breadth away from David’s ass increased that jealousy rating significantly. He cleared his throat.

David looked toward the noise immediately and he lit up in a very gratifying way and motioned Patrick to join them.

“Patrick! Rhett and Aubrey are teaching me a waltz variation they learned in Saskatoon! Come learn it, a new take on an old dance is perfect for our first dance.”

David was so excited that Patrick couldn’t help smiling. He figured they probably hadn’t preceded the dancing with athletic and creative sex so it was probably okay that Rhett was almost touching David’s ass. After all he was teaching him a skill to be used with Patrick not with Rhett.

That night Patrick pulled out all the stops in bed including some athletic moves he’d only seen in porn. He was going to be sore tomorrow. Probably so would David. 

“Mmmm” said David once they were both spent “I like jealousy sex.”

“That wasn’t…I’m not…”

“You really are. It’s okay though. If tonight is what happens when you get jealous I am going to start parading exes through town.”

“You hate all your other exes.”

“Mmmmhmmm” David said sleepily. “I’ll figure something out if it means you are going to do that push-up thing again.”

Patrick laughed and tightened his arms around David. It took him a long time to fall asleep.  
\----  
Rhett and Aubrey stayed in town for a week. They promised to do a two part special about Rose Apothecary. Patrick had to admit that they had been a perfect lady and gentleman and hadn’t hit on David once. Still Patrick knew he would feel better as soon as they were gone.

Their last night in town they all went out to the Wobbly Elm. They crowded into a booth, David and Patrick on one side, Aubrey and Rhett on the other.

As the night went on and people stood to get drinks or go to the bathroom the seating switched. Patrick on the inside, next to Rhett, across from Aubrey and David. 

Patrick noticed, through his buzz, that Rhett kept touching him casually and that his leg was pressed tightly against Patrick’s. Patrick then realized that Aubrey had been touching her foot to his over and over and over.

David went to the bathroom and Rhett’s hand landed high up on Patrick’s thigh. Really high. And Patrick’s dick was pretty interested in that even though Patrick’s brain was on high alert and screaming for him to get away. Stupid dick.

“What…” Patrick said.

Rhett started sliding his hand up and down Patrick’s thigh.

“We just thought,” said Aubrey, “that you and David might be interested in some play tonight.”

“Play?”

“You know,” Rhett murmured, “a fourgy.”

Patrick’s jaw dropped.

“We know David is in,” Rhett continued, “He’s up for anything.”

“Um actually I think he is maybe more discerning than he was when you all dated.”

“Impossible,” said Aubrey. “David is the embodiment of good, giving, and game.”

“Actually, I think you’ll find I have a different relationship with the term GGG these days. My idea of “game” is a lot narrower.” David said from behind Patrick. He put his hands on Patrick’s shoulders”

“Rhett, why are you touching my boyfriend in a naughty way? I can tell by how red his face is that he is not into it.”

“Well,” Aubrey said, “We figured we would check in about a possible … fourgy.”

“Meh,” said David. “Maybe I would have been into it when we were dating, but that’s not how I play these days. I need my man all to myself.”

Rhett and Aubrey nodded in sync and Patrick felt like he could finally breathe again.

“Okay,” said Aubrey sounding remarkably chipper, “no harm in asking.”

“Maybe with less touching the next time you do that.” Patrick said.

“Well, we are going to see if we can find anyone for sexy fun times. It was nice to see you David, and nice to meet you Patrick.”

They all stood and exchanged hugs. Rhett and Aubrey moved further into the bar and David and Patrick headed for the door.

Once they were in Patrick’s car David threaded his fingers through Patrick’s and leaned his head on Patrick’s shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” David asked.

“Well, I kind of want to say I told you so because they were looking for sex but given that they propositioned me not you I’m not sure I have the moral high ground.”

“Patrick, there is no moral high ground here. Or if there is we both have it. How are you doing with the fact that you were just propositioned for a fourgy?”

“I don’t know. I’m not offended. I’m a little creeped out by how high that dude put his hand on my leg but other than that it’s fine.”

“You aren’t feeling…judgmental because that was a thing I used to do?”

“No not at all. I’m glad you don’t do them now but I don’t feel threatened by your previous sex life.”

David laughed. “You so do. Have you seen you this past week?”

“Okay, fair point, but that wasn’t judgement about what you’ve done in the past, that was jealousy that you might want to do it again.” Patrick paused, “Do it again without me.”

Patrick unlaced their fingers and started to shift into reverse. David stopped him, grabbed his hand, and brushed a gentle kiss on his palm. Patrick shivered.

“Baby, I don’t want to do anything sexy without you ever again.”

Patrick smiled, kissed David’s knuckles and drove them home.  
\----  
The next day Patrick ran into Twyla. She was sitting at a table offering free readings again.

“Twyla this is ridiculous and I can’t believe you peddle it to everyone.”

“What?”

“The clarifying cards you drew after my one card reading. The tower and the high priestess? They totally didn’t come true and they made me neurotic as hell.”

“Patrick those cards weren’t for you. I was doing a reading for a woman who didn’t want to be seen in the café getting a tarot reading. If you had waited around you would have seen me call her.”

“Wait, really? I’ve been freaking out over cards that weren’t even meant for me?”

“Looks like it. Why do you think those cards hit so hard?”

Patrick shrugged and looked away. “I think I was scared that David was going to go back to his exes. That would be like the tower for me. And I figured intuition meant that I saw it coming.”

“Maybe,” Twyla nodded. “And have you had any insight into the devil?”

Patrick shook his head.

“You know sometimes, the Devil is more about breaking free from what binds us than focusing on the specifics about what those things are. So maybe it’s time to stop being so afraid? Use the energy from the Devil and identify and walk away from fear. Or…sometimes it’s about kinky sex so maybe somebody should get tied up tonight?”

“Okay, yeah,” Patrick said, “I can do that.” 

Twyla laughed and Patrick blushed.

“I mean the fear part not the bondage part. Thanks Twyla, this was actually helpful”

Twyla clapped her hands, “Yay! I’m so glad.”

Patrick put a ten in the tip jar and walked back across the street to the store.

“Hey the first part of the General Blog about us came out this morning.”

“Really? Is it bad? Are they pissed we turned them down?”

“No, it’s pretty good. I mean, they made us sound kind of dull, but there are worse things. They raved about the store. I can’t wait for the second part to come out next week.”

“We aren’t dull!”

“Babe, we refused to sleep with them. To them we probably are dull.”

“Twyla said that my tarot reading said I should be more kinky. That’s not dull.”

“Kinky, huh?”David gave Patrick a filthy grin. “What kind of kinky?”

“Well…I was thinking we could get out the handcuffs Stevie gave you for your last birthday.”

David took a step in and slid his arms around Patrick. “Can I be the one handcuffing you?”

Patrick shivered, “Oh yeah.”

David grinned. “Can we close early?”

“David it is 10:30 in the morning.”

“So that’s a no?”

“Hard no.”

“I guess I’ll just have to jerk off in the bathroom since you won’t satisfy me.”

David sauntered out and Patrick counted to ten slowly before he turned the sign to closed and followed David into the bathroom.

 _Boring my ass_ thought Patrick as he considered taking pictures of what was about to happen and then sending them to Rhett and Aubrey to prove they weren’t boring.

“Baby you are thinking too much,” said David as he undid Patrick’s pants and dropped to his knees.

And then there was no thinking about stupid blogs or any exes. All there was was wet heat and love and love and love and love.


End file.
